March 7, 2010

  • tentative

    IMG_1630
    "feathered"

    i've been feeling a little strange lately...tentative is the word that comes to mind.  there's a small part of me that has been reassessing and rethinking all my moves so far.  because we live in the west, we have this strange illusion of control - and because every possible permutation seems to be laid out here, it's possible to believe that your choices could have been made differently.  intellectually, this is all well and true, but realistically, time chugs on in one linear fashion.  there are no repeats, no rewinds or do-overs.  and yet, i'm hung up on the fact that maybe i haven't made the right choices to lead me to where i am now.  why do i feel so uncertain, and scared even, of what's next?  what is next?

    unfortunately, i don't have any conclusions today, and i'm not sure that my questions ever really get answered, but it's an awful feeling to walk about holding such tentativeness in you.  everyone seems so smug and content because they seem to have "figured out" what it is that we are to do.  in the words of walt whitman, "that the powerful play goes on and you will contribute a verse," but what if you don't know what your verse is?

    the only analogy i can think of is rock climbing.  truth be told, i've only been once, and it was on one of those rock walls.  from afar, you can see it plainly.  there are no mysteries.  there's an X marked up top, and you can even visualize your route.  but it's an entirely different thing to be climbing that wall.  when you're on it, you can't see the X.  in fact all you can see is this crazy overhang in which you'll have to defy gravity in order to overcome.  you see little knobs sticking out here and there, and you just think from one knob to the next.  and the whole while, you are praying that your arms and legs will stop shaking whether from fear or exhaustion.

    the parallels are a little too obvious to spell out, but i'm just under that overhang.  i'm unwilling to try and defy gravity, but my only choice is up or let go.  so i hesitate in between.  i'm caught.  and this is what it feels to be tentative.  i shall kiss the ground when i regain my good footing again.