August 8, 2008

  • lone

    i can finally hear crickets tonight.  it's the first night in awhile.  since i've moved into the city.  it's what i missed about the suburbs.
    i can finally hear my heart tonight.  it's the first night in awhile.  it goes thump thump and it tells me its secrets and what it's been thinking.
    i can finally hear my insecurities for what they are.  shams.  voices telling me that i am not who i am.  that i am another less confident version of me.
    i can finally hear me.  in the clipped conversation we had tonight, i could hear my mouth talking as it hung mid-sentence while you hung up.

    i am trying to find out why the tears are falling.  i am even questioning myself out loud.  but i've since dried the tears, and my thoughts don't help much.
    i am trying to understand how peace and turbulence can exist in the same hour.  how i can read about carla bruni while nestled in my bed at the beginning, and then sit at the end of the couch in frustration at the end.
    i am trying to pray and recite scripture to myself because i have this idea of how things should be, and how they are not that way, but then i run out on a conclusion.
    i am writing.

    it's amazing to find the solace of self in the stillness of night.
    even as cars whiz by on the outside road in a steady calmness.
    because in the midst of thinking that i am a lone star.
    you.  are.  here.