May 19, 2008

  • F.E.A.R.

    from erratic abnormal reservoirs.  i just made that up, but it kinda makes sense.  i did a lot of scaring myself silly this weekend, and i want to think about why.  does everyone do this?

    r and i were taking a "nature" walk down a pretty lane.  albeit, it was kinda drizzly and wet, so no one was out.  we followed those brown signs from route 1 that say "historical site" and it led us to a pretty nice spot.  r loves water, and there was actually a canal lock there, but as soon as i heard the sound of rushing water, i started to freak out.  there was no ledge, and something about the brown water just made me imagine falling right in, even though there was no chance of that happening.  i stood by the sign, while r got his fill of water lock goodness.

    later, we followed the path to this wide open reservoir.  it was actually pretty incredible to find such a huge expanse of still-ish open water in nj, and there was even a house beyond the way with a warm light.  canadian geese where chilling out by the dam, trying to catch whatever flowed their way, and i was freaking out.  there were these enormous screw-shaped contraptions that were made of rusted metal, and just the hard mechanics of steel sent shivers down my spine.  i could only think of the few steps it'd take me to walk back onto the cold wet earth, instead of the concrete barrier we were standing on.  i tried.  i really tried to enjoy the moment, but wow, i was afraid!

    when we finally got back on the path, there was a long stretch of dirt road with an arch of light green trees over it, but as we were walking, i could swear that a dark figure was looming in the distance.  i fixated on this image, and couldn't shake it, even when r assured me to no end that there was nothing there.  i actually had to close my eyes at some points, and despite being called, "a girl," i couldn't control these irrational fears.

    r is from the mid-west.  nature is a part of life.  i am from nj.  nature is where the crazies hide waiting to jump out and grab you.  for some reason, danger seemed to lurk out of every corner.  what is that?  why am i so paranoid? 

    it only got worse.  as i was trying to describe this to friends later, sy mentioned that d's house was scary because it's at the end of a cul-de-sac by the woods.  we were driving at night when she said this, and i insisted that she park in the driveway, even if it meant blocking it up, because i was freaking out.  i would not have been able to stand it if she parked by the woods. 

    ***

    you know that whole weird movie fantasy where people are having a jolly old time in the comforts of their home, and then someone terrorizes them IN their home?  why are people fascinated with this fantasy?  why would you even want to think about it?  it just freaks me out.  do they have films like that in the mid-west?  or is my fear a product of eastern seaboard paranoia?  i just don't know, but i had to take the garbage out tonight, and that same fear struck me.  when i open the door, i always imagine that someone will be standing right there...just waiting.  and then i kick myself for thinking that because i'm going to feel like an idiot if i have to keep the garbage in the hallway overnight until daybreak so i can take it out in the morning, but the whole time i'm running to set the garbage out, my heart is pounding.

    and for what?  an active imagination.